Varnished Presents: Crucial Steps to Establishing Boundaries
Updated: Apr 11, 2019
**Blasts NASA- Ariana Grande
This past week was very tiring --- I worked way too many hours and slept way less than I should have. This week was full of so many unplanned twists and turns that it was hard to just keep up. I was exhausted, I definitely wasn't giving myself the rest the body needed. At one point, I felt as if I wasn't accomplishing anything! This week I tolerated more than I should have and did things for others that I really did not want to do. I wasn't saving energy to do the things I needed to do, and yet I added more things to my plate for others just to avoid conflict. I was too tired to say no, to fight off negativity and to complete the goals I had previously set to accomplish. I started allowing negative thoughts into my head and the next thing I knew, I was doubting myself and my decisions. Ever feel that way?
I realized this week that I have been stuck in this cycle of helping others who had no intention of helping me. It wasn't just this week, it had been going on for more than a year. I was seriously bending over backwards just to provide comfort to those who seemingly cared about or appeared to need me. I'd spend my days running around trying to help others and spend my nights wondering why I was feeling so unfulfilled.
In this particular week my job was actually bumming me out for a split second. Upon reflection, it was because I was accepting responsibilities that weren't mine. I care about my job and the people I work with but at no point should I be losing sleep and allowing them to overstep their boundaries!
With the help of my therapist and my concerned boyfriend, I learned that I had a serious problem with letting people walk over me.
So...I started establishing boundaries this week and it was life changing. You see, I am learning that the more love I express towards myself, the less willing I am to accept BS into my life (especially BS that isn’t going to benefit me when I make it through). I want everyone to know that moving forward I will not allow any version of negativity into my life: no matter the shape, history and or bloodline connection.
I kicked the week off by telling someone who is very important in my life, that I wasn’t happy with the way they were treating me. I wrote a letter and read it to the person intended. A letter that declared all the moments I felt like my boundaries were crossed and why. The letter wasn't accusatory, but it was firm. I ended the letter (and the conversation that followed) with the consequences of what will happen if my boundaries are ever crossed again. Since this was someone who is important in my life, they needed to understand me and fully realize that they would no longer be welcomed, if they did not accept my boundaries.
I found that, as with a lot of people in my life, I had never set boundaries before. Most people apparently thought that it was ok to use me and my talents because I never spoke up. I had never told them what was ok versus what was not ok. I was letting people talk to me whichever way they chose. I was not in control of my own actions. I was trying to live my life and periodically stop to help people who were simply unhappy with their own lives. Once I found my voice, I was amazed at just how quickly these people scattered out my life... like cockroaches when the light comes on!
I felt a strange sense of relief the moment that I started standing up for myself and establishing firm boundaries. I am now saying "no" for what seems like the first few times in my life. I was speaking with a friend of mine about how intimidating her boss was and my friend said,
"It is good to have a serious face because it tells others that you mean business. It is not good to be "buddy-buddy' all the time."
I thought about it for a minute, and then said to myself, "You know what? She's right!"
Life comes full circle and provides many opportunities to enforce the lessons it's determined to teach us, I am more frequently finding myself in moments where I have to kindly decline or cock my head to the side with my freshly painted nails thrown up into the air and ask "excuse me?" I changed the way I allowed people to approach me.
The way I treat myself is how others should treat me, and if they aren't sure where to begin, try respect.
We can not be everyone's friend and we should not continue to sacrifice our own comfort because of the relationship that we have with another person. Love for others begin with the love within ourselves. Learning your limits and educating your loved ones on the proper way to treat you is the key to protecting your life-long journey of self-love. It is OK to say no... why? Because you said so!
I am devoting more time to myself for the next few weeks, I have my daily plan and I will work harder to stick to it. This next lifetime will be a breeze. *sits back and puts on sunglasses.
Check out the info-graph provided for you below and keep the conversation flowing in the comments, on Instagram or Facebook. Tell me a moment your boundary was crossed and what you did/ plan to do back-up your boundary.
Honoring you, Daneesha Varnish.
Protect yourself, your nails and your worth honey.